It's time to clean your shit up.

I have been reflecting on how I’ve survived these last few years and made it through still intact. When I think back on pre-pandemic life, I am amazed at how simple it all was. How, before 2020, life seemed like a carefree dream. Like, we were all a bunch of hippies dancing around at a damn dead show, endlessly twirling to the music on a loop without a care in the world.

Nowadays, it’s quite challenging to have an optimistic flair after reading the endless stream of news about the overwhelming daily demise of the environment, the planet, politics, gun violence, women’s rights, AI, and the crazy amount of overall catastrophic events happening all over the globe. But alas, we continue to put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. I mean, at this point, we got to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again.

But that's how life goes. That's surely how youth goes— it slips away unnoticed, footloose, and fancy-free. Once you are ready to appreciate it, it's gone, and you wake up one day, middle-aged, with only the lines on your face to show for it, grey hair on your pubs, and a longing for more time to, finally, seize the day.

I keep referring to my pre-pandemic life as the good old days like my grandparents did when they told me stories about their youth. Cause, before 2020, life was seemingly more simple. It wasn't really, but it was absolutely less worrisome. Look, when I grew up in LA in the 80s, the only environmental threats I remember were earthquakes, drought, and Santa Ana winds! Nowadays, those are still threats, of course, but my gawd, each day, catastrophic storms have become the norm, not a once-in-a-lifetime event. Not to mention looming war, political strife, famine, disease, and AI taking us all down. The fears I had growing up were simple, and they were things you could (kinda) prepare for. You had tools to protect yourself and make yourself feel safer.

But alas, Spring is upon us (gorgeous Spring!), the time of year to reflect, release, renew, refresh, and recharge. It’s a time to take a good look at all the muck hidden under the surface and see how many habits have been put in place to try and survive the ensuing repetitive drama we are all living through. More to the point, what routines do not serve or help us thrive.

Not that you asked, or maybe even care, but I am gonna impart some of my middle age wisdom. This is why I decided to start this newsletter: to share stories in hopes of helping those who read it feel less alone. Because, if you are like me, you can benefit greatly from reading someone else's perspective to get a glimpse into your own that you might be avoiding. There may be something you have thought about changing for a while and just needed an extra nudge. Perhaps this is your nudge. So, are you ready for some unsolicited advice? Good, I'm here to tell it.

Let's take daily drinking. This habit quickly planted its roots at the beginning of the pandemic. I indulged in the routine of popping open a bottle of wine every day around 5 o'clock. The world was crumbling all around; everything was unknown, uncertain, and scary. Full of germs, sneezes, wiping down groceries, mask fashion, and surgical gloves. Not to mention homeschooling (!) Look, I had an ideal vision of homeschooling in the beginning. How wonderful it will be to teach my children and spend these fleeting young years with them as we read, write, make cookies, create art, blah blah blah blah blah. Just a few days into my attempts, I quickly learned the blaring truth that I was not a good teacher. My patience, along with the rest of my responsibilities in lockdown, almost immediately became ablaze. Too much extra was too much. My already short-lived patience and frustration went BOOM. I started to hear myself saying encouraging phrases to my kids, "Do better or speak clearer or just finish this damn assignment already," or my all-time favorite, "I'm doing the best I can, so zip it!"

My point: I was stressed, to say the least, and terrified of leaving my house. Everything felt surreal; I was desperately attempting to grasp familiar things that were no longer familiar, and, on top of everything else, I felt like a failure in my attempts to do it all— especially educating my children. But we women, us mothers, us caregivers are used to overachieving and multitasking and doing what we have to do to survive. We put our heads down, keep moving, abandon ourselves in the process, and endure more than we will ever give ourselves credit for. But I digress, back to the booze. Here is a compilation of videos I documented in the throngs of it.

I, like most of us, justified that glass (or 2 or 3) of wine or cocktail every damn day as an escape from the terrifying unknown reality around. It was a desperate need to relax. It became a ritual of sorts. It became part of my daily routine that I thoroughly enjoyed and looked forward to until, well, I didn't. Until it started to feel like it was a habit, and I wasn't enjoying it as much as I used to. But it wasn't until it scared the shit out of me when I had drank almost an entire bottle of wine myself that I didn't really feel drunk! This was also mixed with many restless nights, unable to fall asleep from the pounding of my fast-paced heartbeat, only to arise the next day a sleep-deprived wreck, looking terrible, adored with puffy eyes, a foggy brain, and an irritable bitchy attitude that no amount of caffeine would seem to fix. It was then that I was finally able to observe my destructive patterns and decided to take a break from my wine to see if I, in fact, had a deeper problem and was a straight-up alcoholic.

I quickly learned that I was, in fact, not an alcoholic, that it was just a habit I needed to break. And soon after that, I almost immediately reaped the benefits of obtaining: my sleep drastically improved (no more heart palpitations), my head was clearer, my creative juices started to flow, and, most importantly, my eyes weren't puffy as freaking pillows when I arose in the morning (I'm vain, so that might have done it!) But, what I really felt was better. More grounded and less anxious. So, I did what I have historically done when I needed to shake things up and really break habits- I did a month-long cleanse.

In my youth, I used to be a hard-core, obsessive health freak. For years, I was one of those annoying, preachy, militant vegetarian, vegan, macrobiotic, and raw foodist types who preached the health nut gospel to anyone who was near (and this was before it was trendy). I still gravitate towards the healthy, but I am thankfully no longer obsessed about it. A seasonal cleanse has stuck, though. I use it as a tool to jump-start my body back into balance. Now, I am not talking about fasting; I am talking about taking a break from a few stimulants: sugar, alcohol, wheat, dairy, animal protein, processed foods, but never caffeine (kidding, kinda!)

I am talking about giving your body a break from some of these habits (or all)) for a few weeks or months. Yes, it is boring as fooook and, at first, no fun at all, and you start becoming obsessed with things like Chia Seed pudding (seriously). But I encourage you to try it. At the very least, it will shake things up so you can finally get a sense of what is serving you and what is not. Some habits are more challenging to break than others, and there are no doubt days filled with withdrawal headaches, but once you get over the first few humps- it's smooth sailing. Your brain wakes up, and you feel more balanced and refreshed. And, when you do, when you commit to yourself (seriously, you are only committing to yourself), you are actually able to see your patterns and how you could have fallen into this rut. Doing a cleanse helps you get out of your comforts, break your habits, and shockingly enjoy a clean diet full of vegetables, green juice, quinoa, sprouts, and chia seed pudding (seriously, so good!)

You can baby-step your way into it or go cold turkey. Do whatever motivates you to begin. It’s like doing anything you don’t want to do. All you have to do is take the leap. The rest will unfold in unexpected magical ways. It is profound what can happen when you can soberly look yourself in the eye and admit that you are stuck in a repetitive pattern. And it is then, and only then, that you will have the power to change your ways.

It's fucking hard to do, don't get me wrong. It may take you a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year to dip your toe and try it. But, no matter how long, I encourage you to try it. It will rock your world and only make you stronger because of it. Because if there is one thing I have learned through the years- we can do hard things.

Ok, I'm done.

Now, do it.

And, most importantly, if you need help, ask for it.

Happy Spring!

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